Saturday, January 30, 2010

My time is gonna come...

Like the song says's..."I'm not gonna let you overwhelm me anymore." No, not any one in particular, guess I'm talking to life.

Looking for a second job, which as every one knows is slightly less fun than a gum scaling, but it's necessary. I need to make a living.

At the moment, I'm making a surviving.

Not unusual, been doing that for the better part of eleven years, hacking at child support, bit by bit. But hell, I do like to eat...and drive...and not sleep in my truck. Selfish ass.

Not a peep from my gal pal that chose her addictions over a better life either.

She text messaged me three days ago and the text stopped in the middle of a word. I called back a couple hours later and an Hispanic guy answered, said he had gotten the number from Metro PCS a couple of hours before.

That is not a good sign.

So sad. Not that we're not together, that she made that choice. But it's one I've made far too many times, so if one of us had to do it, let's just say I'm glad it wasn't me.

You may ask, isn't this blog supposed to be about my journey becoming a Chef? And right you would be...but it is.

This is all part of the journey.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

The path...

On the 23rd of this month I celebrated nine months of continuous sobriety.

It was also the time my girlfriend of six weeks, also in recovery, informed she she was back out, using and drinking again.

I can't deal with that. My sobriety is more important to me. I had to cut her loose. I will miss all the good things about her and give the rest to God to care for.

There are people in life whose paths include someone loving to come home to, with enough finances to be comfortable and children who love and care about them.

I am not on that path.

I am not falling into morbid reflection when I say I may never be on that path.

Broke; alone, cleaning up the wreckage of my past, work, recovery, rented rooms and second hand stuff are the path I'm on.

I may never get off.

But I will stay sober, one day at a time.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Opportunity is not often illuminated by the fires of a burning bridge...

Doing the right thing...not always easy.

Wrestling with my impulses and knee jerk reactions...again, not easy.

Deciding to go with the flow, or at least try to, until opportunity presents itself gracefully.

Work is simply that...I've stopped learning so much about cooking and receiving lessons about interactions with people...boils down to shutting up and keeping my head down. Two activities I have never been that good with...but I suppose it's time.

It helps so much having found someone in my life that truly share my ideals and dreams, faults and strengths. All of them.

I never thought someone so like me could turn into someone so special.

When we're together, it's a drama free zone. We can even be silent together...and still be perfectly OK.

This is turning in to a very interesting start to a brand new year.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


Always. In all areas.

Work, of learning things about me. The three seem to coincide.

Yes, I march to the beat of my own strange little drummer but am finding out there are parts of me that are noble and strong, regardless what others may think.

Being open to the "new" helps. Not being locked in to old ways of thinking, or engaging others in their own personal drama, as well.

People are who they are, and do what they's just not my deal.

I try to stay under the radar as much as possible, but on occasion I poke my head out and voice an opinion. Not that it's worth's just mine.

Trusting that I am on the path that a power greater than myself has chosen is hard...wish that path was winning the lottery, lol...but apparently it's not.

Being grateful for the simple and small things has served me well.

This takes practice as well..

Friday, January 1, 2010

New Year...

Well that was fun...a drama filled, chaotic, rough ass year interspersed with brief moments of bliss.

I'll have more bliss please.

My goal for this one..not to make the mistakes I made last year.

No drugs or exceptions. No suicide attempts or visits to the nut hutch...been there, don't even want the t-shirt.

No flirting with homelessness or getting engaged...and yes... there seemed to be a connection.

No giving myself fully to a woman in an emotional capacity until...well, a long time.

Pay closer attention to what God's telling me.

Not paying attention to the "fringe" people who really don't matter. Allow me to define this fully...if you're not helping me stay sober, related to me, a true "friend," paying my rent or sleeping/in love with me...go do whatever...enjoy yourself.

I promise... you are not on my radar.